It is the duty of a gentleman to know how to ride, to shoot, to fence, to box, to swim, to row, and to dance. He should be graceful. If attacked by ruffians, a man should be able to defend himself, and also to defend women from their insults.”

- Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture, 1886

The word evokes images of order, courtly manners, respect, power, and discretion: “Gentlemen, start your engines!” A gentlemen's agreement. Gentlemen's clubs. Ladies and gentlemen. Southern gentleman. A gentleman's game. A perfect gentleman. Gentlemen's Quarterly. William Shakespeare's play, Two Gentlemen of Verona, and the film, An Officer and a Gentleman.

According to Webster's Dictionary, a gentleman is a well-bred man of good family.

In modern times, do they still exist?

The unmannerly Bubba culture is slowly fading, and the social tides are shifting once again to a more formal approach to living.

Author Bryan Curtis of Nashville maintains that being a gentleman is an ongoing process.

“You're always growing into [being a gentleman],” said Curtis, the vice president of Rutledge Hill Press, which published his new book, As A Gentleman Would Say: Responses to Life's Important and Sometimes Awkward Situations, co-written with John Bridges.

The 177-page guide has advice on what a gentleman should and should not do or say in different situations, such as when his credit card is declined, or when he encounters a friend who has gained a lot of weight.

(In the case of the credit card, tell your dinner guests, “Excuse me a moment, I'll be right back,” and proceed to make other payment arrangements with the restaurant's officials in private. In the case of the newly overweight friend, a gentleman should simply greet the person by saying, “It's great to see you.”)

Pariss M. Coleman II, 31, an attorney in the Sylvania offices of Cooper and Walinski, agrees that society has returned to more formal social standards. But he added that the situation dictates his behavior - for example, some women resent having a man open doors for them.

And, he noted, “It would be out of the norm if I stood up every time a woman were to leave the table . . . this act is not expected, and no longer practiced,” said Mr. Coleman, who adds that while he views himself as a gentleman, he is a work in progress.

“The natural progression is to grow from having manners into being a gentleman, and then to incorporate etiquette.” Mr. Coleman received an etiquette guide from a cousin as a graduation gift, and has referred to it for help with various social issues.

In modern times, being a gentleman means being respectful and not offensive, he said.

“It's like a social dance,” he said. “The lady aspect is crucial.”

Beckie Kitzmiller, 19, a hostess at J. Alexander's, said that her father, Steve, and boyfriend, Joe Reuhle, 21, are examples of perfect gentlemen.

“My father's always been a very good role model and my boyfriend always opens doors for everyone - the old, the young,” said the Sylvania resident.

“Even if someone is 10 feet behind us, he'll wait that extra few minutes to open the door for them - he is one in a million.”

Ms. Kitzmiller describes herself as the old-fashioned type, and believes that gentlemen are polite, say please and thank you, and will open car doors for ladies.

“I believe in men having a more sophisticated presentation of themselves, a little more respectful and polite. More of the `hello' rather than `what's up,'” she added.

Holly Neely, 30, a legal assistant at Shumaker, Loop & Kendrick, said she defines a gentleman as someone who has the utmost respect for his spouse or close friend.

“His wife should be the main focus. When you're a gentleman you have a parental type of concern over your wife. But respect is the most important characteristic,” said Mrs. Neely.

The mother of four recalls when she was pregnant with her first child, shortly before she met her current husband, Rodney, a close male friend of hers embodied all that a true gentleman should be.

“We had no relationship other than friendship, but he would always come and see about me, carry my books if they were too heavy, call me and stop over to check on me in his free time - he was genuinely concerned about someone other than himself, an ideal gentleman,” said Mrs. Neely.

The Rev. Ron Olszewski, principal of St. Francis de Sales High School, said he promotes the concept of being a gentleman to the 650 students at the all-male Catholic school.

“In our Catholic faith, Francis de Sales is known as the gentleman saint . and I really try to teach them to be men, which means being strong physically, orally, and ethically, and strong in character, but also to be truly gentle and compassionate,” said Father Olszewski.

When speaking before large groups of students, Father Olszewski often quotes the school's namesake saint by stating, “There is nothing so gentle as true strength, and nothing so strong as true gentleness.”

“I talk to them about how to relate properly with women, and to be chivalrous, not chauvinists,” he said, adding that he teaches that integrity is a key component of a true gentleman.

Julie Kiechel, 56, of Perrysburg, said that although her husband, Stephen, a physician, is a true gentleman, she's observed a lack of gentlemanly and ladylike qualities in society as a whole.

“There's a glaring omission of any gentility, which is really appalling. I think the omission is based on the fact that some people haven't been taught how,” said Mrs. Kiechel, who plans to attend college in the fall to pursue a master of fine arts degree.

She believes current books on etiquette - even those that have been updated, like Amy Vanderbilt's, don't always take modern situations into account, and don't teach people how to be gentlemen and ladies.

It is essential for a gentleman to be kind in words as much as actions, said author Curtis, 40. In fact, his own gentlemanly manners were tested some 20 years ago when he asked a co-worker, on her first day on the job, when her baby was due.

However, the woman was not pregnant.

“She was wearing what I took to be a maternity dress, and she [responded to my question], `My baby is six months old,'” he recalled, adding that the mistake still bothers him today.

“I have never asked that question of anyone again.”

Curtis and Bridges are also authors of A Gentleman Entertains, and plan a book for parents on how to raise ladies and gentlemen. Bridges, 50, also is the author of How to Be A Gentleman.

Most references to the word gentleman date back to the 18th century, when aristocratic society was at its height.

In January, 1731, the first issue of The Gentleman's Magazine was published, the first periodical to use the word gentleman in its title.

John Henry Cardinal Newman, a noted 19th-century English convert to Catholicism, explored the definition of a gentleman when he wrote on the subject in an 1852 treatise on university education for Roman Catholics:

“It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say he is one who never inflicts pain. This description is both refined and, as far as it goes, accurate. He is mainly occupied in merely removing the obstacles which hinder the free and unembarrassed action of those about him; and he concurs with their movements rather than takes the initiative himself.”

In more modern times, being a gentleman has not always been viewed with such high esteem.

In the 1970s and '80s, gestures such as assuming responsibility for the dinner bill when on a date, or opening the woman's car door, were viewed by some as sexist, implying that women were the weaker gender, in need of being assisted.

Ned Barnes, 53, president of Paramount Printing, recalls these times, but said he never encountered this backlash. But his father wasn't so lucky:

“I do remember those times when there was a bit of frustration over what to do. In the 1970s, my father once opened a door for a woman and got a real nasty look,” said Mr. Barnes, whose co-workers and business associates consider him to be a true gentleman.

As a father of six children, three of them boys, it is his goal to teach all to be gentlemen.

He and his wife, Karen, a homemaker and their children's home-school teacher, are the parents of sons Jonathan, 18, James, 15, and Benjamin, 8. Their daughters are Allison, 13, Hope, 9, and Joy, 3.

“If you show them how [to be gentlemen] by your own actions, you don't ever have to say a word,” said Mr. Barnes.

First Published July 1, 2001, 11:12 a.m.