And now a reading from the Hollywood Book of Ideas, version 1,272.4, copyright 2004, section 529, page 34, paragraphs 24-30, falling under the heading: "How to Make a Bad Movie for Tweens, with Useful Examples to Easily Apply."
Paragraphs 24 and 25:
"... Talk down to children as much as possible. This is very important. Children love condescension. Consider Catch That Kid, an expected underperformer from 20th Century Fox designed to tap an audience (boys, some girls, ages 7 to 12) not already satiated on the Spy Kids and Agent Cody Banks franchises. Kudos to the screenplay by Michael Brandt and Derek Haas for the correct assumption that children cannot think for themselves and require the assistance of Jennifer Beals. ...
"... The plot is as such: Twelve-year-old Maddy (Kristen Stewart of Panic Room) is upset because her mountain-climbing father (Sam Robards) is suffering from a severe spinal injury and needs an operation that will cost $250,000. Luckily, her mother (Beals) designs impregnable vaults for financial institutions (read: banks) and Maddy knows of a certain mom-designed doozy suspended 100 feet off the ground that needs breaking into. She enlists two friends, computer nerd Austin (Corbin Bleau) and gearhead Gus (Max Thieriot), to help her break into said bank, outwit her mother's slimy boss, steal the needed money, and save her ailing male guardian unit (read: her father)."
Paragraph 26:
"... It is unnecessary to suggest stealing money or committing any number of federal crimes is bad, as long as the child has a very good reason for the indiscretion. It is also unwise to suggest a 12-year-old girl using sex to create a romantic triangle and dupe two male companions into committing said infraction is inappropriate behavior for a movie studio. ..."
Paragraph 27:
"... Children love remakes of obscure Danish films. We have tested this. Catch That Kid is the distillation of a much more coherent film named Klatretosen. At least, it's coherent if you're Danish. Here's what was gathered: Because we didn't understand what was happening, we decided it is more important for actors to overemphasize their lines. This way, as applied in Catch That Kid, an ugly look, sluggish pace, and lack of motivation in the screenplay becomes irrelevant, and you still know when a character is angry, sad, duplicitous, etc..."
Paragraph 28:
"... Hire a smart young actor who should quickly put your film behind her. Kristen Stewart comes across as wily, with a spring in her step, and with a tomboy enthusiasm that recalls one of her previous co-stars, Jodie Foster - who, you might recall, starred in an all-child version of gangster film Bugsy Malone..."
Paragraph 29:
"... Hiring the right director is less important than hiring someone who shows up. Bart Freundlich made Catch That Kid. Bart Freundlich also made the indie downers The Myth of Fingerprints and World Traveler. Bart Freundlich is married to Julianne Moore. Bart Freundlich is less adept at marrying action scenes for children with a filmmaking style best described as muddy, grainy, and dispiriting. None of this should matter..."
Paragraph 30:
"... When all else fails, when a production can only afford go-carts and walkie talkies and none of the clever gadgets that separated the Spy Kids franchise from the pack of espionage movies about junior 007s, when you sense the children in the audience shifting in their seats and wondering why your film didn't premiere on video or cable - three words: kids love flatulence. Well, most of the time..."
First Published February 6, 2004, 12:46 p.m.
