BOWLING GREEN — Every four years, I talk myself into the Olympics.

Not watching the Olympics. Making the Olympics.

I am convinced each Winter Olympiad there is a path to the podium, even if the great majority of my athletic achievements occurred in Tecmo Super Bowl, and my lone walk-off winner in 14 years of baseball came by way of strikeout. (Hey, it worked.)

While making the U.S. hockey team or becoming a bobsledder would take a time machine, three or four legitimate miracles of science, and likely a briefcase full of nonconsecutive bills, there is one that stands out as the last, best hope: Curling.

Each time I see curling, I think I just might be a few practices away from being world-class.

And I am not alone.

At the Black Swamp Curling Center, home of the Bowling Green Curling Club, they have prepared themselves for the rush that comes with every Olympiad. During and after the Olympics, some 1,000 people will take a Learn To Curl class at the State Rt. 25 facility, and more will grab a drink at the in-house bar and just watch, their curiosity piqued by this funny game they saw on television.

“This place is going to be packed with people,” Shannon Orr, the BG Curling Club’s logistics director, said this week. “People are going to watch curling on TV and say, ‘I can totally do that.’”

Before the rush hits in a couple weeks, Blade staff writer Jimmy Miller and I took a drive down to BG to learn the rules, familiarize ourselves with the curling lexicon, and try our best to not embarrass ourselves.

A Canadian by birth, Orr told us what proved to be the best synopsis of the game: Curling takes a few minutes to learn, but a lifetime to master.

As it turns out, curling is more than drinking beer and wearing loud pants, a devastating blow to what I had hoped to bring the United States Olympic team.

Our introduction into the world of skips, hacks, ends, houses, and buttons was provided by Addison Hollands, a member of the BG curling club who tells us before we start it took him more than a year of playing before he felt fully comfortable. Great. I have four to go.

After attaching grippers to our shoes, Hollands first shows us proper technique, which ideally helps someone deliver the stone without acquiring a concussion in the process. And while this looks simple on TV, I can promise this took some work.

The first time I tried, Hollands took one look at me and smiled.

“Do you feel pressure in your quads?”

“Yes?”

“Then you’re doing it wrong.”

This took a good deal of correcting muscle memory. My instinct was to crouch similar to a baseball catcher, but the proper balance in curling is different — the slider foot in front, the gripper foot in back, no tension in the quadriceps, and a smooth, squared release.

It sounds great in principle, right?

When it comes time to step into the hack — which I was relieved to learn was not an insult for a newspaper reporter in this instance — the entire motion is like nothing I’ve tried in any sport. The first time I tried it was like being handed an astrophysics text, then asked to complete all the problems on page 213, or wandering into a 400-level foreign language class.

There are so many moving parts, and so much unnatural movement, that I took small victories:

■ I did not injure myself or others;

■ My aim was actually half-decent, and

■ Hollands informed us that curling etiquette is that the winning team buys the losing team the first round of drinks.

So, even if you’re terrible — and I promise, I am — there’s a drink at the end of the rainbow. You can’t lose.

Then it was time to sweep, which sounds simple if you’re watching curling on TV. The thrower yells “Hard!” and his sweepers furiously scrub the ice to lessen friction. It’s a broom. How hard could it be?

To answer my question: Very. After a trip up and down the sheet, Jimmy and I were huffing and wheezing as if we had just run the 1,600. Hollands asked us in jest if we wanted to go again, and I would’ve given an answer if I had any breath to work with.

Of course, part of the fun in curling is its flexibility. The game can accommodate players of all skill levels, backgrounds, and ages. You can play by using a delivery stick even if your range of motion is limited, and the sense of community that surrounds curling is welcoming to new players. For those that really want to jump into curling, starter leagues begin at the Black Swamp Curling Center during the first week of March.

I had a spring in my step after landing two stones in the house, and I’m proud to say Hollands only cheated on my behalf just once. I did use a stabilizer for my free hand on the release, which might not satisfy the curling purist, but it allowed me to keep all of my teeth in place.

As we concluded, I thought I was ready to go eight ends with anybody. I asked Hollands, “What do you think? Am I ready for 2022?”

The curling community, it’s nice to a fault. He let me down easy. “Well, if you keep practicing ... ”

That was all I needed to hear.

After two hours of curling, bringing my lifetime total to two, I think it’s only fair to be confident about my chances for 2022.

But I think I’ll keep my day job. You know, just to be safe.

Contact Nicholas Piotrowicz at: npiotrowicz@theblade.com, 419-724-6110 or on Twitter @NickPiotrowicz

First Published January 26, 2018, 11:36 p.m.