“It’s the greatest thing since sliced bread.”

How and why did that expression become the benchmark against which greatness is measured? Even if it once had relevance, it’s now old and worn out. 

There are far better standards we could use.

Sliced bread is a swell convenience, but if I had to gnaw on an unsliced loaf, life would still be fulfilling and I wouldn’t like bread any less.

Here are my own nominees for sayings we could turn to that might make the point better:

“It’s the greatest thing since the internal combustion engine.” So it’s a little wordy. Where would we all be without our cars? Sitting at home gnawing on a loaf of bread, most likely.

“It’s the greatest thing since three-day weekends.” This one’s pretty tough to beat. Most Americans might not actually pause to remember our fallen heroes on this long Memorial Day weekend, but standing over burgers on a grill at the park or on the back patio is how millions of us welcome summer in style.

“It’s the greatest thing since the Emancipation Proclamation.” Again, this one’s a mouthful, but freedom from involuntary servitude is a whole lot better than bread, sliced or not.

“It’s the greatest thing since elasticized waistbands.” If you’re over 40, no explanation is necessary.

“It’s the greatest thing since God made little green apples.” Just channeling my inner Bobby Goldsboro here.

“It’s the greatest thing since the smoking ban.” Clean air in public places? What’s not to like?

“It’s the greatest thing since buy one, get one free.” Who doesn’t like a nice BOGO every now and then? Come to think of it, how does that car dealer do it? Buy a car and get a second one free? What’s the catch? There’s gotta be one.

“It’s the greatest thing since hand sanitizer.” Germ warfare got a whole lot easier for us and tougher for germs when this stuff came along.

“It’s the greatest thing since GPS.” There really isn’t any excuse for getting lost anymore, although occasionally I still manage to do it. That’s because asking for directions runs counter to everything I’ve been taught as a male. But I concede the value of global positioning satellites to mankind and defer to the wisdom of the masses and women everywhere.

“It’s the greatest thing since the ATM.” This one has to be a strong candidate to replace sliced bread as the standard by which we gauge progress and convenience.

A machine that spits out money whenever you need it. Is this a great country or what? Of course, like most computers, the automated teller machine is pretty smart. It figures out quickly if you don’t have any Benjamins in there to begin with.

“It’s the greatest thing since wine in a box.” No longer do you have to struggle to put the cork back in the bottle. Why is that so difficult in the first place? Why does a cork swell to twice its size after it’s freed from the bottle’s clutches?

“It’s the greatest thing since Cleveland won the World Series.” Now that the Indians have supplanted the Chicago Cubs as the longest-suffering losers in baseball, this one sets the bar pretty high. Or low.

“It’s the greatest thing since high-definition television.” High-def TV is indeed a wonderful step forward, although to be honest, nothing will ever match the excitement I felt the first time I saw color television as a child through an appliance store window in Tiffin.

“It’s the greatest thing since the digital camera.” No more loading film. No more paying at the drug store for pictures you screwed up. Nephew Billy is making that goofy face again? Eliminate Nephew Billy. Well, not literally. You know what I mean: delete and retake.

“It’s the greatest thing since the light bulb.” Why this one never took off is a mystery. Giving light to the world seems infinitely more important than cutting the world’s bread into small pieces.

“It’s the greatest thing since the self-cleaning oven.” Don’t ask, because I won’t tell you how this came to be important to me. I will only say that I am glad the chicken was already dead.

“It’s the greatest thing since the flu vaccine.” I’d say “flu shot,” but the appeal would be diminished and the expression would never catch on. One word: needles.

Yet how many lives have been saved, how much misery has been avoided, how much productivity has not been lost, because of this annual ritual? Sliced bread might “feel” better, especially wrapped around a thick piece of fried balogna, but the flu shot is significantly better for you.

“It’s the greatest thing since the self-propelled lawnmower.” Like the snow blower, the self-propelled lawnmower is a lifesaver. Go ahead. Get one. Your back and your heart will thank you. You’ll get a lot of low impact exercise and the mower does the hard part.

So there we are. If you saw one you like, use it. Let’s get it out there. It’ll be the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Thomas Walton is the retired editor and vice president of The Blade. His column appears every other Sunday. His feature, “Life As We Know It,” can be heard every Monday at 5:44 p.m. during “All Things Considered” on WGTE-FM 91. Contact him at:walton@theblade.com.

First Published May 28, 2017, 4:00 a.m.