A funeral should focus on the way an individual lived, rather than the way he died, Jeff and Linda Hullibarger said.
That’s why they’re upset at the way a local priest, the Rev. Don LaCuesta at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Catholic Church in Temperance, Mich., handled the service for their 18-year-old son, Maison, who died on Dec. 4. The couple said the priest disregarded their requests for an uplifting homily and instead chose to sermonize on the morality of suicide.
“He basically called our son a sinner, instead of rejoicing in his life,” Ms. Hullibarger said.
Suicide is a sensitive issue in Catholicism, as well as in some other faiths, where theologies that hold life as sacred can fall harshly on grieving families. Catholicism, Judaism and Islam each essentially condemn the act, based on this shared value of life, according to experts in the respective traditions.
But the same experts cautioned against black-and-white interpretations, especially as society comes to appreciate to a greater degree the factors, including mental illness, that often lead a person to commit suicide. Judgment has no place in these situations, they said.
“Pope Francis stresses the merciful God and the forgiving God,” said the Rev. Charles Rubey, founder and director of Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide. The organization is a ministry under Catholic Charities of the Archdiocese of Chicago that supports those who have lost loved ones to suicide. “For a priest to even hint that the person might not be in heaven is grossly wrong.”
The Hullibargers are calling for Father LaCuesta to be removed after the funeral, which also drew attention for an unrelated interaction with their son’s former football coach. They worry that the priest could hurt other families in the same way he hurt theirs at their son’s funeral.
“It’s not OK,” Mr. Hullibarger said. “He needs to be held accountable.”
Father LaCuesta did not respond to requests for comment this week. The Archdiocese of Detroit, which has been in touch with the family, apologized in a statement.
“We understand that an unbearable situation was made even more difficult, and we are sorry,” representatives said in a statement. “After some reflection, the presider agrees that the family was not served as they should have been served. For the foreseeable future, he will not be preaching at funerals and he will have his other homilies reviewed by a priest mentor. In addition, he has agreed to pursue the assistance he needs in order to become a more effective minister in these difficult situations.”
The Catholic Church took a comparatively harsher position against suicide before the Second Vatican Council in the 1960s, Father Rubey said, even in some cases denying individuals the right to a Christian burial. But as understanding of the issue has evolved, he said, so has the church’s position.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church in its current edition acknowledges mitigating factors that “diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.” Among those are mental illness, Father Rubey said, which in itself is a factor in the “vast majority” of cases.
The catechism continues: “We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives.”
California-based Rabbi Ben Goldstein, who works with Elijah’s Journey, a nonprofit that focuses on a Jewish response to suicide prevention and awareness, described a similar evolution in his faith tradition.
“There’s been an acknowledge over the last 30 or so years that mental health is as real a medical condition as cancer or anything else,” he said.
And Imam Farooq Aboelzahab of the Islamic Society of Northwest Ohio, too, said that while the Quran is clear in forbidding suicide, factors such as mental illness are considerations and it’s not our place to condemn.
”God knows what [an individual] has been through, more than anybody else,” he said.
Each religious leader stressed the importance of approaching these situations with sensitivity and compassion.
“It is so important to help those who grieve,” said the Rev. James Bacik, a theologian and retired priest in the Diocese of Toledo. There should be “a positive message that God is merciful and that God is all forgiving and they don’t have to think that their loved one who committed suicide is damned. … God understands what the suicidal person is going through better than we ever will.”
Mr. and Mrs. Hullibarger are lifelong parishioners at the church where they held their son’s funeral. Because the pastor did not personally know Maison Hullibarger, they said they met with him in the days leading up to the funeral, sharing with him themes that they wanted to hear him share in a sermon and discussing details like hymns and scripture readings.
The priest took notes, they said. They did not discuss the manner of their son’s death. When Father LaCuesta apparently disregarded those notes on Saturday, they said they were shocked.
“We heard he was talking about suicide,” Mr. Hullibarger said. “We looked at each other, and said, ‘What is he doing? We didn’t ask for this.’”
“It was his homily,” his wife added. ”It was what he wanted. He said nothing about what we asked him to say.”
Mr. Hullibarger approached the priest during the sermon to ask that he end it, but he said the priest did not acknowledge him. The couple said they had to again intervene in order to share their own reflection before the recessional hymn, which they had also previously discussed. They asked that Father LaCuesta not accompany them to the cemetery after the service.
The family takes comfort in the impact their son had on his loved ones, including friends who approached his parents that day to tell them how much Maison Hullibarger helped them or meant to them. That’s the way they wanted their son to be remembered in his funeral.
Their own reflection celebrated 18 years with their “passionate and opinionated son,” they recalled, reading from the notes they shared with the church on Saturday. ”Please be kind to one another,” they continued. “Show sincerity in your actions and love forever unconditionally.”
First Published December 14, 2018, 11:30 a.m.
