APPARENTLY THE national mood has shifted enough to prompt the Washington Redskins football team to finally acknowledge the obvious: the team’s name is patently offensive not only to Native Americans but to anyone who values our nation’s heritage.
Up next are the Cleveland Indians, who will examine retiring their name too, though I would guess that most people would find “Indians” less racially provocative than “Redskins.”
The Redskins organization should be ashamed of itself for holding out so long. I know two people of Native American heritage who hate the Redskins name. They are indifferent to the name “Indians” but they resent the racial implications of Redskins.
The Indians are already retiring the cartoonish Chief Wahoo — rightly so — and now it appears the team name will follow in the near future.
But if the Indians ownership is getting in line, if we’re going to step that close to the edge in the name of political correctness, why don’t we just take it all the way?
Let’s start with the Atlanta Braves, whose fans scream that warlike chant and swing those imaginary hatchets at every game.
Is there any fan conduct in sports more annoying? How many Braves fans develop elbow problems after nine innings of that? I hope the answer is “most of them.”
If the bosses at the Indians’ headquarters are going to yield to the pressure to change, someone will probably insist the Browns follow suit. It’s just a color, but brown lives matter too, right?
What about the Chicago White Sox? Why are they glorifying the color white? They need a politically correct alternative, although I admit the Chicago Neutral Sox is lame.
As long as we’re talking about colors, what should we do with the Cincinnati Reds? Do we really need this constant reminder of the Cold War?
Mr. Owner, tear down this wall!
Next, consider the New York Yankees. I’m offended just typing the words. (Where’s my hand sanitizer?) Is there a name more vilified in all of sports? The name is still hated by many southerners because of those nasty hostilities a century and a half ago. So let’s make it official and rename the Yankees the Bronx Bombers.
Oh, but wait. Too violent.
While we’re at it, the Milwaukee Brewers have some explaining to do. The nerve of those guys promoting the consumption of beer to all their young fans!
As we launch our crusade to spread political correctness over the entire landscape of sports, I’m not going to be arbitrary about this.
The Miami Dolphins and the Miami Marlins can keep their names. As far as we know, no dolphins or marlins have been harmed by the efforts of these two franchises, although many fans in southeast Florida have suffered grievous injury to their pride.
The Baltimore Orioles and St. Louis Cardinals can retain their names, too, although surely there are ornithologists out there who resent the ineptness of the Baltimore squad and what it has done to a beautiful bird’s reputation.
Also, isn’t it about time somebody goes after the Kansas City Royals?
As much as we love Queen Elizabeth, the spectacular weddings, the equally spectacular divorces, and all the juicy stories emanating from the House of Windsor, the Royals belong in Canada.
It’s easy. Just swap names. The Toronto Blue Jays become the Toronto Royals. The Kansas City Royals become the Kansas City Blue Jays. Both teams already dress in blue uniforms.
It’s a natural. The blue jay is a loud, obnoxious, and cranky bird, totally befitting Kansas City’s standing in the American League Central. Come on, people. Why has no one thought of this?
What about the Pittsburgh Pirates? I’m sure somewhere in this great land there are people whose village has been pillaged and whose treasure has been plundered. They deserve to be free of the ugly celebration of piracy.
Pittsburgh, heal thyself before somebody gets mad. Change the name. You’ve already got the prettiest ballpark in the major leagues. Shouldn’t that be enough?
Down in Florida, the Tampa baseball team was originally called the Devil Rays.
The Devil himself was thrilled, but his excitement was short-lived.
The name was changed to simply the Rays, lest they offend. The team has been pretty bad ever since and their ballpark would be a dump in New Delhi.
Coincidence? I think not.
However, that leaves me at a loss to explain why the San Diego Padres have been so lousy for so long. (“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I made two errors in one inning.”)
In God’s defense, the California Angels haven’t got much heavenly assistance lately either. Neither has Notre Dame.
I’m not happy with the Los Angeles Dodgers either. The name goes all the way back to the 1890s, when the team played in Brooklyn. It was a reference to the new-fangled electric trolleys that pedestrians had to “dodge” to avoid getting hit.
But come on. As a military veteran, I’ll be upset if it’s actually a reference to “draft dodgers.”
And what if the name refers to pickpockets out there on the street? You know — those “artful dodgers.” Who wants that?
So the “Dodgers” name has to go. How about the Hollywoods? The Beverly Hillbillies?
Forget it. Somebody would be offended.
Thomas Walton is the retired Editor and Vice President of The Blade. His column appears every other Sunday. His radio commentary, “Life As We Know It,” can be heard on WGTE public radio every Monday at 5:44 p.m. during “All Things Considered.” Contact him at twalton@theblade.com.
First Published July 19, 2020, 4:00 a.m.
