THE FIRST presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden is scheduled for Tuesday night. Here is what we know already:
It will be contentious. Nasty words and dirty looks will be exchanged. Decorum will be abandoned. And that’s just in the audience beforehand. Then TV goes live and for 90 minutes moderator Chris Wallace will try to keep the elephants and the donkeys from killing each other.
It will not rise to the level of Lincoln vs. Douglas, but it is certain to be a spectacle and great entertainment, especially if it goes something like this:
Moderator: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first presidential debate of the 2020 campaign. I’ve read both candidates’ opening statements, and they are boring, so let’s get straight to the good stuff. I will ask the first question.
Gentlemen, both of you are older than dirt. How much should that bother Americans?
Biden: So I’m 77. So what?
Trump: Are you bragging about your IQ, Joe? It’s a very terrible number. Me, I’m 74, but I’m a stable genius!
Biden: Well, you’re half right. You’re 74.
Trump: When my phone rings at 3 o’clock in the morning, it’s very, very serious. When your phone rings at 3 in the morning, it’s Jake from State Farm.
Biden: You could learn a lot from Jake.
Trump: Joe, if you win, the American people will at least be safe between noon and 6 o’clock. You’ll be napping.
Biden: Hey, six hours without embarrassing myself? You should try it.
Trump: You don’t look so good. Too many meds?
Biden: Hold on there. You say America will erupt in violence if I’m elected. Have you looked around? Portland? Kenosha? Louisville? Don’t you follow the media?
Trump: Fake news. There’s fine people on both sides. Those protesters are patriots who want a better life for their kids. You hide in your basement while I’m out there putting out fires every day.
Biden: Putting out fires? What about California and Oregon? How’d that work out for you?
Trump: Next you’re going to rip me for the hurricanes and the corona.
Biden: Let’s stay on point, Mr. Trump. What you drink is up to you.
Trump: Really, Sleepy Joe? What do you drink? Metamucil?
Biden: That reminds me. You’re destroying the very fiber of our nation.
Trump: Joe, tell me something. Were you born in the United States? I smell a birther issue here.
Biden: What, you kicked Scranton out of the Union?
Trump: I’m proof that anybody can grow up to become President.
Biden: Oh yeah? Let us all know when you grow up.
Trump: Joe, it must have been tough on your mother not having children.
Biden: Really? You want to play that card? Your father wanted you to become a business tycoon with ethics. Your mother wanted you to become a distinguished public servant. You ended up disappointing them both.
Trump: That’s very, very unfair.
Biden: You seem to trust ruthless dictators more than you do the Congress. What is it about our system of checks and balances you don’t like?
Trump: I love checks, Joe. Bigger the better. Balances too. Especially an outstanding balance.
Biden: Have you ever even read the Constitution?
Trump: I perused the Cliff’s Notes version once. It’s sort of like a new-car owner’s manual. You know there might be useful information in there, but you don’t want to hunt for it.
Biden: You mean the state of New York actually gave you a driver’s license?
Trump: You radical liberals are all alike. Joe, if you leaned any more to the left, your hair plugs would fall out. Are you still plagiarizing Bobby Kennedy?
Biden: That was my speechwriter, not me. By the way, what’s up with your hair? It always looks like it’s trying to run away.
Trump: That’s very, very unfair. Let’s discuss your running mate. She’s just a scheming, calculating woman who wants your job. If you win you should tell the White House butler to taste your food for you.
Biden: Unlike you, I respect women as equals. I like to give qualified women a helping hand.
Trump: Right. I heard you’re a real hands-on kind of guy.
Biden: Two words, sir. “Access Hollywood.”
Trump: Nobody cares about that. They care about the border wall. The president of Mexico sent me 50 pesos last week. I told you they’d pay for it.
Biden: You do realize that 50 pesos is about $2.35.
Trump: Hey, it’s an installment plan.
Biden: Let me ask you something. Is that wall of yours supposed to keep Mexicans out or Americans in?
Trump: That’s very, very unfair.
Biden: No, what’s unfair is stealing a Supreme Court appointment that should be mine to make. What hypocrisy!
Trump: Hypocrisy? Wasn’t he a Greek philosopher?
Moderator: Gentlemen, knock it off. It’s time for your closing statement. Try to keep it clean.
Mr. Biden, you are first.
Biden: My fellow Americans, I know sometimes I’m a bit of a mess. So is he. But when you vote, you need to decide which mess you are least uncomfortable with. The choice is obvious.
Trump: Joe, there you go, plagiarizing again. That was going to be my closing statement too. I’ll just add one thought for the voters.
If the age thing bothers you, remember this: I’m the young guy.
And to all you pretty ladies out there: who loves ya?
Thomas Walton is the retired Editor and Vice President of The Blade. His column appears every other Sunday. His radio commentary, “Life As We Know It,” can be heard on WGTE public radio every Monday at 5:44 p.m. during “All Things Considered.” Contact him at twalton@theblade.com.
First Published September 27, 2020, 4:00 a.m.
