A UNIQUE job opportunity has presented itself to me, and I’m seriously considering filling out an application. I’ve always wanted to be a CEO.
The job requirements seem straightforward enough. The successful applicant will be someone who loves the great outdoors, knows how to take pictures, is willing to follow the guidelines of the Centers for Disease Control, is at least 21 years old, has a valid driver’s license, and is blessed with a good sense of direction.
You would think a good sense of direction would rule out most men, but no. That’s because there’s one more thing: you have to really like beer, which puts most of us of the male persuasion back into play.
More specifically, you have to like Michelob Ultra.
The letters C-E-O don’t mean what you think. The top job at Anheuser-Busch, which owns Michelob, is not the job available — not that I’d want it.
CEO in this case means Chief Exploration Officer. Michelob is looking for someone to become the brand’s ambassador at large for six months. The chosen candidate will be expected to visit America’s national parks, take photos of the experience, post them to the brand’s social media accounts, and generally spread the word that this Ultra stuff is a good brew.
Sweetening the deal is a new and totally tricked out camper van with its own bathroom and shower, plus a refrigerator well-stocked with beer. The company will pay for the gas, and a spouse or companion is welcome to tag along. I assume the winner will be responsible for settling his DUIs himself.
So much for the fringe benefits. What about the pay? How does $50,000 for six months sound? It just keeps getting better, no?
Let’s consider those job requirements.
First, Anheuser-Busch won’t find a more passionate lover of our national parks than I am, unless you count my daughter and son, and I doubt either of them wants to trek around the country taking selfies while hoisting Michelobs among the redwoods. So let’s go ahead and check the box that says “must enjoy and respect the outdoors.” I’m good on that one.
Second, I’ve been into nature photography since I was a teen. I may have taken as many pictures of Yosemite as the late Ansel Adams, although his images of that wondrous place are far better than mine. His inspire awe; mine sit in a shoebox. Still, how could you take a bad picture of Half Dome or El Capitan? Let’s check that box too.
Third, I would abide by the CDC guidelines and only remove my mask for the occasional obligatory sip of the boss’ beer. Check.
Fourth, I am considerably north of 21 years old, and I have not given the state of Ohio reason to revoke my driver’s license. Check.
What else again? Oh, yeah, that sense of direction thing. I once got lost driving home from a block party. However, I intend to put my faith in modern technology. Unless the camper van’s GPS malfunctions somewhere in the Rockies, I’m good to go.
The company’s announcement of its search notes that the national parks to be visited include Sequoia, Joshua Tree, Yosemite, Big Bend, and Saguaro, among others.
“The main things we’re looking for,” a spokesman said, “are a deep appreciation for nature, the willingness to hike to the perfect photo opp, and the ability to capture engaging content for social media. Oh, and a love of beer, of course.”
The latter point is where my enthusiasm for the position gets a little shaky. For me, beer is an acquired taste — like sushi, liver and onions, and Mitch McConnell. But for 50 grand and a self-guided tour of our national parks, I’ll do my best to acquire it.
I also notice that the job application asks for my email address, my Instagram handle, my Twitter handle, my YouTube channel, and my portfolio. Wait, what?
If portfolio means an assortment of nature photos, no problem. The other stuff? Yes, I have an email address, but I’m Twitter illiterate and an instant failure at Instagram. If I have a YouTube channel, I am not yet aware of it.
The application goes on to list several pursuits and asks which I am most passionate about: road trips, hiking, national parks, community outreach, and camping. I’m fine with all of them except camping. Been there and done that, but the camper van and the stocked fridge will help me overcome my reluctance.
I have one other issue. I’m sure the good people at Anheuser-Busch do not want to embarrass our national treasures in any way, and most certainly neither do I. Let me say up front that if I get the job, I refuse to take my own picture while holding a bottle of beer with the Grand Canyon over my shoulder.
I’m still upset by an online photo I saw not long ago of a young man kneeling on one knee, proposing to his girlfriend amid the spectacular scenery of Yellowstone National Park. Perfect setting, right? Just one problem. Featured prominently behind the happy couple was the “horse” they rode in on, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Sorry, but that’s just wrong. That’s an image I can’t unsee. Where’s a ranger when you need one?
I hope my concerns aren’t a deal-breaker for Anheuser-Busch.
Thomas Walton is the retired Editor and Vice President of The Blade. His column appears every other Sunday. His radio commentary, “Life As We Know It,” can be heard on WGTE public radio every Monday at 5:44 p.m. during “All Things Considered.” Contact him at twalton@theblade.com.
First Published October 11, 2020, 4:00 a.m.
